Well, my real mom died at 26 when I was a baby. It was hard to deal with it, but I had my best friend and I never knew life otherwise, so It just is what it is. My Best Friend just died, we are 26, and she went from long future to gone to the next inside a week. One week. I just keep feeling like this is fake and then I get waves of pain like nothing I have ever experienced. I can still hear her talking and see her so alive, but she is gone.
She was sick our whole lives. She had a liver transplant when we were kids, I am still not sure I grasp what she went through, but she did it and fought like crazy to be here. I am so grateful that she was willing to suffer through it all so we could have more time with her. She told me before she died what was happening-no not spelled out, but I definitely get it now- and I didn't listen not in a rude way but in a not willing to hear it she will be fine because I need her here kinda way.
So obviously I talked to her the days before she went in to her last hospital visit ever. She made me promise not to call her mom or get a hold of her aunt because she didn't want to bother them, I never thought that would be it. I keep wrestling with whether I should have called her mom, or if by doing as she made me promise, I did the right thing. She was so tired, and in pain from the early onset arthritis caused by the meds, to the skin irritations from the meds, to just having a hard time eating. I just kept telling her some rest and chicken soup tonight and doctor tomorrow(Tues) since she was not willing to go or call anyone it was late. She said she felt a little weak and had a slight fever for a few days-few days for a healthy person no worries unless it is high, but for a transplant patient it has many possible meanings which is why I made her promise to go in.
She did, she promised to go first thing in the morning, we joked about scary clowns & she said the nicer they were the scarier it is when they come at you, then my phone was disconnected for a couple days so I got an app and she responded via text Wed(I was trying to get it set up so we could communicate), Then No Replies, then I swear she called Friday(by then I had I had set up a wifi phone thing & tried calling numerous times), I couldn't understand her it was about her being sick and ok, but there was more, and then the call disconnected. I thought she was just letting me know she went to the doctor since I hadn't heard from her about it, it was really late there so I figured she was very tired & sick, her service was always spotty there, and we would just talk in the morning. Then no answering my calls again, and then I got the news two days later that she had been in a coma since Thursday Night and passed in the late Sunday Night/Early Morning Monday hours.
She was on the other side of the country. I always thought I would for surely be there. It hurts that she didn't tell me flat out in that conversation so I could fly out, but I would have made her go in immediately and she would have been in the hospital for so long she didn't want that. Which is why she kept telling me on Monday she did not want to be a burden, did not want to stay in a hospital and that she was not going to live like that anymore-she knew it was her time and postponing it would have been so much more suffering and she most certainly did not deserve that. And there is no way to know if she ever would have gotten out of the hospital.
I still keep reeling over that call on Friday, maybe I dreamed it, but I believe now that people do get those calls after whether its in the mind or not I don't know, but they come. Even if it is a dream, It was letting me know she is ok where ever she is and that actually helps regardless of the delivery method. I know she is free now. And she did nothing but good for all the people she ever knew, how many people can you honestly say that about? What an amazing Angel/Energy Force/New Life/?? she must be out there in the great beyond.
For those of us left behind, I know she wanted us to be happy and didn't want her death to be a sad one, but whew I do not quite know how to cope with this feeling. It did not matter what happened in this life to either of us, we had each others backs no matter what. Now I am alone and the world looks a lot scarier than it did before. A Best Friend is the best thing anyone can ever have. If you have one, take extra time to cherish them. Our bodies fail no matter how hard our hearts and minds want to stay for our loved ones.
The only thing I can say is that from this I have a higher determination to live while I am alive. I think that is what death should mean for the living. I can 100% certainly guaranty that is what our loved ones want-not sadness and despair left behind, but love, good memories, appreciation for what you have, and new reason to live better. That keeps them alive and their light shining brightly. It is important to honor the dead. At this point for me, I find comfort in those thoughts but it is too soon to feel the relief of that comfort, but I know time will bring that. If you are experiencing a loss right now, my heart goes out to you and I understand the intensity that you are experiencing. I will keep updating this blog through my journey of losing my closest loved one and maybe in my novice writing you will find some solace. -End-
